If You Still Want Me Read online

  Yeah, I swing both ways. It aint no secret. Makes me a club favorite for being an Assist. I aint got no hang-ups about helpin' a woman or a man reach that center 'a pleasure an' learn to be just as comfortable in their skin as I am.

  Hell, I've even asked Austin if he wanted me to help him loosin' up a bit and find a nice girl at the club for him to start learnin' the ropes with. He declined, but I saw the subtle interest in his eyes. He's curious, I can tell, 'bout what we do there - the whole BDSM lifestyle. He helps out with the logistics of the club, but when it comes to playtime, he always seems to be elsewhere.

  Shame, really. Fine as he is, I think me an' Vickie could find him a real nice girl and show them a real good time. A damn good time, like me on my knees and his cock...

  Dang it! Best friend. Straight best friend, who said he's in love with my Vickie.

  That, right there, ends my momentary lapse and kills my damn over-active libido. Which is good, 'cause the last thing I need while I'm about to yell at my best friend is drool comin' out my mouth. Which may not be possible to avoid, because the cold temps have perked up his nipples, an' they're now hard against his gray t-shirt. The same gray t-shirt I hate, because it brings out the color in his eyes - eyes that often cause my brain to disconnect.

  God dammit. Why can't the motherfucker be fugly?

  "Can I help you with something?" Austin asks, suddenly standin' just a few feet away.

  His voice snaps me back and I retaliate with a light shrug and a kick of my sneaker into the hay-covered dirt. "Brandon said I should see if ya need any help with the horses."

  "I'm good," Austin looks away, his boots shufflin' all unsettled like. "No sense in us both freezing our asses off out here."

  His breath is visible, drawing my attention to his puffy lips. They're a bit glossy, like he's got on Chapstick. I know his favorite flavor is peppermint. I actually got an extra stick in my truck, just for him, 'cause he's always forgetting his.

  Glancing back up, I catch his eyes on me. He looks a bit uncomfortable about the fact that I was staring at his lips, and it aint the first time I've been caught lookin' where I shouldn't. Maybe it's my fault then, that our friendship is fallin' apart at the seams. Guess maybe my sexuality makes him more uncomfortable than it used to. Didn't think it'd ever be a problem between us, but maybe that changed when he fell in love with Vickie and I became competition.

  I don't exactly blame him for fallin' in love with her. She's an incredible woman, and I know I'm lucky ta' have her. The idea 'a her stayin' in N'Orleans cuts me deep and means I need ta' have this talk with him, no matter how uncomfortable I've started makin' him.

  "Did Vickie talk to you before she left?" I start with the easy shit while I strap together my courage for the rest.

  "She did," he nods but turns his back to me and starts fillin' a feeding trough with oats for Charger, one of Brandon's four remaining horses. "Said she'd bring me back a t-shirt."

  "She tell you she's thinkin' 'a stayin'?"

  He drops the scoop, the surprise obvious. "No. Why would she do that?"

  "Prolly the same reason yer leavin' town. Sick 'a me, I 'spose."

  "That aint why I'm leaving," he huffs with a shake of his head before walkin' into Charger's stall and pattin' the massive stallion. Austin takes a moment to properly greet the horse before muckin' the stall, while I lean on a post, watchin' him work. When he's done, Austin looks at me with both hands on his slim hips, his height nearly a foot shorter than mine. "I just thought it'd be best."

  "For who?" I scowl at his back as he moves on to the next horse, a pretty golden mare named Amber.

  "Everyone," he shrugs as he opens her gate. "Brandon's been looking after me too long, and-"

  "He likes havin' you around!" I yell, spookin' Amber a bit, but damn me, I can't stop it. "Stop bullshitin' it, Austin. Yer leavin' cause 'a what I walked in on!"

  His hand fists around the feed-scoop as he spins around to face me. "You didn't walk in on anything!"

  His yellin' back startles me a bit, along with the other horses. Austin never yells - he's always calm and easy, like a friendly breeze. Now, he's flustered like a damn tornado.

  "I know what I saw." I fall back on that argument 'cause it's easier than tryin' to figure out what he an' everyone else keeps tryin' ta' tell me. "You told me you love 'er, and I seen yer hands all over my naked woman!"

  "We were just dancing, Saul, I swear. I do love her, though, and I won't apologize for that, but-"

  "So, yer in love with my girl, and now yer leavin' and weren't gonna even tell me? Thought we was best friends."

  "We are," he sighs, rubbing his hands up his face, talking off his hat with one hand so he can run the other through his thick, black hair. "And that's why I'm leaving. I can't keep getting in the way, man. What you and Victoria have - I can't be the destroyer of that."

  "Then don't be. I get it, Victoria's beautiful an' you wanna sleep with her, but-"

  "No, I don't."

  My mouth hangs open as my brain tries to get around what he just said. "Pardon?"

  His eyes gaze up at the ceiling as his head tilts back, and I swear he's about ta explode all over me. A few Spanish words mutter past his lips, then his gray-blue eyes lock on me. I nearly fall to my knees under the weight 'a that stare.

  "I love her, Saul, but it aint like what you're thinking. Yeah, she's beautiful, alright, but I'm not sexually attracted to her."

  "Oh." Well, what the heck am I supposed to do with that? "Alright, then what's the damn problem? Why not just tell me that in the first place so we can go back to the way it was before?"

  "I can't," he exhales, and the hurt on his voice stabs into my chest. "I'm sorry, man. I've been trying so damn hard to ignore it, but I just can't anymore."

  Now, I'm completely fuckin' confused. "Ignore what?"

  He looks at me for a long moment, like he's gonna say somethin' important, but I see fear in his eyes followed by anger. Then, nothin'. His whole face goes blank. It chills me right to the marrow.

  "Never mind." Turning back to Amber, he shuts me out. "If you're done yellin' and scarin' the horses, I've got a shitload of work to get done."

  I think I just got my answer. He does have a problem with me and the way I keep lookin' at his lips. And his eyes. And that fine, tight ass.

  Fuck. I done screwed this up. Guess maybe that's what Vickie was tryin' to make me see; that I was attracted to him and had started makin' him uncomfortable. Come to think on it, I wasn't just mad about catchin' his hands on her. If I had ta' be honest with myself, I guess I was a bit mad that he was with her and I wasn't invited.

  That's about the most screwed up thought ta' ever fill my head, and trust me, I've had plenty 'a fucked-up thoughts. Backpedaling outta the barn 'fore I say something stupid or start starin' at his ass again as he bends with the shovel, I do what I always do when a situation don't exactly seem ta' be in my favor.

  I tuck tale an' run.

  Victoria

  Coming back to the Big Easy is always anything but. Don't get me wrong - I love my family, but saying I'm the black sheep is like saying Creole food is spicy. It simply is what it is, and there's no changing it, no matter how hard my daddy may try.

  My step-father is a good man. He loves his family, he loves God and he loves me, even though I'm not his. The way he saved my momma and me from my real daddy, who I haven't called father or spoken to since I was fourteen and whose last name I no longer use, leaves me no room to argue that I owe my step-father a great deal.

  Despite me not being his, he's never treated me different than his other children - the two girls he had with a previous wife who passed, and the son he had with my momma. He just wishes I was a little more like my two sisters, both of whom have settled down in Louisiana with nice, church-goin' men and popped out a gran-baby each. Tabitha even has a second baby on the way, but she always was an over-achiever.

  Don't you want to find you a nice, faithful man? Settle down into a nice l
ife? Have a baby, or three?

  Those were his words to me five months ago when I last visited for his birthday. I know he means well, but I wish he'd see that I'm thirty, not looking for marriage, not looking for kids, and I'm happy in Dallas.

  Mostly.

  I wish Saul and Austin would stop being so stupid around each other, but I can't force it. If I do, it'll go wrong. Austin's got to do this himself. He needs to own-up to who he is, or he can't ever give his all to what Saul and I have. Saul deserves that, and he also deserves what I'm trying to do for him. For them both. For all three of us.

  I'm all Saul has ever known, but I've seen those unspoken desires in his eyes when he looks at Austin. I've seen what he won't admit to himself. I love Saul with all my heart, but I don't want to become a regret. I don't want to be what's holding him back. I don't want to be what my real father was to my momma for all those years - an invisible noose around her neck, slowly choking the love and joy right out of her soul.

  Threading my way past baggage claim, I step outside with my single carry-on in hand to flag down a taxi. My raised hand slowly lowers as a familiar smile catches my eye. Damn. My half-brother Joseph looks more and more like his daddy every year.

  "Well, afternoon Miss Harris," he smiles at me with that big, toothy smile the rest of him never quite grew into.

  With a laugh at his cardboard placard as he stands outside his sedan like it's a limo, I hug his tall, lanky height. He chuckles back with his geeky little snort, then takes my bag. I stick my nose in the air, playing along. "Why thank you, good sir."

  "Sorry, ma'am, but my uniform is at the cleaners," he says all stiff while opening the passenger door for me.

  Joseph has always been the joker. I think it might come naturally as a defense mechanism since he's the youngest. Ruth, Elijah's middle child, is the sweet one, while Tabitha is the mother hen. I've already mentioned my particular role. Baa.

  After he closes my door for me and hops into the driver's seat, we share a smile. Black sheep I may be, but Joseph's knack for mischief had forged a strong bond between us in our little patch-worked family. "Thought you'd be back to school?"

  "No, ma'am," he shakes his head as he pulls out into traffic at the busy terminal. "Got me another week before I head back to Ruston."

  "Stop callin' me ma'am. I'm thirty, not sixty."

  "Yes, ma'am," he replies, and I sock him good on the arm. "Ow! I see that fist of yours still works just fine, even in your elder years."

  The laughter dies slowly as he concentrates on getting into the correct lane on the highway. Once we're on the road, the silence becomes uncomfortable, but he ends it before I can open my mouth. "We missed you at Christmas. Pops was a bit heartbroken."

  "I know. I'm sorry."

  "Was a nice Christmas. Wait till you see Tabi - she's gonna push that baby out any second. The church service was good. We laid a wreath down at momma's stone, and one for Ruth and Tabi's momma in spirit, too. Pops wished you were there. We all did."

  I let out a slow, tight breath. This is the real reason I wanted to catch a cab. "Joseph-"

  "I know, I know," he sighs softly with a smile. "I'm only trying to get you ready for the guilt trip that's about to be set upon you by Saint Tabitha."

  "On the warpath again, is she?"

  "All her hormones have her barkin' out orders while the rest of us try to keep our heads down. Poor Jerry. Damn fool didn't have a bit of understanding what he was in for, marrying Queen Tabi."

  "Of course not," I laugh. "Daddy had her all dolled up like a sweet, peaceful Sunday choir girl. Now she's the rooster of her roost and Jerry loves her for it."

  "He does. Speakin' of Pops dolling his baby-girls up..."

  Uh-oh. "Please, for the love of God, don't tell me there's a boy waitin' at Daddy's house for supper?"

  Joseph goes deathly silent. He doesn't even breathe for a good twenty seconds, then it all bursts out in a boisterous laugh. I curse, tempted to jump out of the car as we exit the interstate.

  "Who is it?" I don't want to know, but I better prepare myself for yet another one of Daddy's attempts to set me up.

  "Samson, one of the deacons. Older man, round 'bout forty."

  "Forty?!"

  "Well, you didn't like the younger men Pops tried last time, so he says he thinks you want someone older."

  "Forty?!" I repeat, stuck on that as Joseph laughs at my expense. "Am I supposed to be his Delilah?"

  That makes Joseph laugh so hard he nearly misses a stoplight. As I simmer next to him in broody irritation, he slowly swallows in a calming gulp of air. "Sorry, Tori. You know I only laugh because I know that poor man don't have no chance with you. Pops don't mean no harm, either."

  "I know. I just wish I could have one visit with him without him playing matchmaker."

  "Well, then you should tell him 'bout Saul and put his mind at ease."

  "He knows about Saul," I huff. Joseph glances over at me with one eyebrow raised, just like Brandon does, and I catch myself squirming in my seat.

  "He don't know everything, so he thinks that boy is playing you wrong. It's why Pops keeps trying to find you someone else. You should be honest with Pops. You're his princess, you know. He'll accept it for what it is."

  But I don't really know what it is anymore, so I try turning the conversation back around on him. Two can play this game. "I'll come clean to Daddy if you do."

  Joseph winces. It was a low blow, and I know it. Our secrets are another reason we're so alike; so close.

  "I can't yet," he sighs. "I'm not ready to have that conversation."

  "What happens this summer after you finish college and Daddy starts bringing nice church girls around to introduce to you?"

  His long fingers tighten their grip on the steering wheel. "I've been trying not to think about it, thanks."

  "It's family tradition," I smirk, happy to see him squirming instead of me, but I understand his anxiety. "What happens when you meet someone? Someone serious. Someone you want to introduce to the family."

  He closes his eyes for a split second and I know that look. "Oh my God, you've met someone? When? Who?"

  He side-glances me before pulling into Dairy Queen. Stopping at this Dairy Queen has become a bit of a tradition for us when we're both in town. It lets us catch up over double-dipped soft-serve before we have to face the Harris-family choir.

  Shifting into park, his knuckles relax against the steering wheel. "His name's Alex. He's an architecture student like me, but he's doing more the interior design angle instead of engineering. He's..." He pauses to sigh with a tiny smile. "He's great, Tori. Really great."

  Seeing that look on my brother's face fills me with joy. "Like... picking out curtains together, great?"

  "Like, I'm thinking of moving with him to Minnesota, great."

  "Minnesota?!" That's too far. My baby-boo is flying away!

  "Yeah. He's got an uncle up there who says the economy is good for our industry right now. We figure I could do the building plans and Alex can do the interior. Plus... We'd be legal."

  "And cold." I'm pouting like a proper thirty-year-old. "You've never even seen snow!"

  His eyes roll at me, like I deserve, and I know I'm being silly. "It's not a sure thing yet. Alex and I are just discussing it."

  "When were you going to tell me about Alex?" That's another thing I'm upset about. I thought we shared everything.

  "I'm telling you right now. He and I have been friends since second year, but two months ago, he asked me out. It's kinda snowballed from there. Two months isn't long, I know, but-"

  "No, I get it. I know how fast love can drop on your head. So, when are you gonna tell Daddy that you've met someone and are moving up to the North Pole to design igloos together?"

  "Tori," he groans at me, then a flash of worry crosses his expression. "It's going to be a lot for the old man to take in. What if I give him a heart attack? Hey Pops, this is Alex. He's white, he's a dude and I'm in love with him."


  "You know Daddy's never had a problem with white folk or interracial relationships," I toss that unfounded worry away first. My real dad hated Saul and Brandon simply based on some fucked-up misconceptions. Elijah just accepted Saul and the other boys as my friends because they were good kids.

  "As for gay folk," I shrug lightly, but my thoughts suddenly turn homeward to Dallas. "Well, it's not something I've ever heard him discuss one way or the other."

  "Tabitha-"

  "Can kiss your ass," I butt in. "She didn't pick up none of that 'gays are a sin' shit from any of Daddy's sermons. Who knows where she got that idea from."

  He thinks on that for a moment, then laughs. "How did this conversation end up being about me and Alex? Thought we were discussing you and Saul, and how it's time Pops knew that boy asked you to marry him but you said no. Then maybe, he'd stop bringing men around and driving the rest of us nuts with talk about you still being unwed."

  Something deep in my heart tightens, coiled with fear, and I know I need to find out if my crazy idea has any chance of ever being accepted - of my Dallas family ever being part of my New Orleans family. "What if... What if it were a bit more complicated than just me and Saul?"

  He shuts off the engine, sitting there for a moment. "Complicated, how?"

  "You know my lifestyle," I start and he nods. He's the only one in the family who knows I like leather and my men submissive in the bedroom. When he had the courage to come out of his closet to me, I owed it to him to do the same.

  "Well," I sigh. Best just come on out with it. "Sometimes, three works better than two."

  Joseph looks a bit hurt by that, and I think he's worried about Saul. They used to spend hours playing games together. "You've fallen in love with another man?"

  "Not like how you're thinking. I love Austin, but I'm not in love with him. Austin's in love with Saul, though, but Saul's too hung-up on me to see it. They're best friends, and I've seen lust mixed in with the love in Saul's eyes when he looks at Austin. I think, if it weren't for me, Saul and Austin would have a really good thing."

  "So, Saul's what? Bisexual?"