If You Still Want Me Page 4

  "He is, and I just think that maybe... God, I don't know, Joey. Maybe I'm crazy."

  "Tori, you've been crazy since day one," he jokes and I crack a smile. "You'd really be okay sharing Saul with another man?"

  "I would. I know Saul loves me, but I know part of his heart loves Austin, too. Austin and I love each other, it's just not physical. Does that make any kinda sense?"

  "If I thought Alex wanted another man, I'd lose it. I don't think I could share him like that, but I guess it's different strokes for different folks. You've gotta do what makes you happy, sweetie."

  My smile widens, because that's exactly what I said to him the day we ended up in this same Dairy Queen parking lot, eating ice cream while he told me he was gay. "I love you, baby-boo."

  His long fingers curl around mine and squeeze. "Love you too, Tori, and you know I've got your back when you're ready to talk to Pops."

  "Ditto. Now, go move your ass and grab us some vanilla cones."

  "Yes, ma'am," he winks as I chase him out the car with a swat to his arm.

  In the silence that settles within the car as he trots across the parking lot, my mind drifts back to Dallas. I think I'm doing the right thing by forcing Austin and Saul to talk to each other, but the controlling Mistress in me wishes I was there, helping my boys figure out what they want. Austin needs to own this, though, or he'll never get past his demons. Saul needs grow up a bit and realize I can't be his entire world for the rest of my life. It's too much for me to bear alone.

  As if my thoughts reach out and touch my boys across the miles, my phone buzzes with unread messages as soon as I click it off airplane mode. Reading Saul's pride-filled message about how he 'figured out' Austin's problem gives me a new headache. Guess I need to push a little harder on both of them. Sending Saul a reply back, I offer a suggestion and hope to God it works.

  Austin

  I've managed to avoid Saul since our barn meeting yesterday morning, which is good, because the itch I'm feeling is becoming nearly impossible to endure. I feel like I'm just gonna burst the next time I see him - break down and tell him everything. I know that's what Victoria thinks I should do, but I can't.

  I'm a damn coward, and I know it. That's why I'm freezing my cojones off in the barn instead of hanging decorations inside where it's warm - where Saul is.

  I can't come out of my closet and confess my love to Saul, because I love him too damn much. The vision of him shooting me down rips me wide open. He loves Victoria with all his heart. I don't see how there could be any room for me - not like how I want.

  I know Saul's bisexual, and I've caught him eying me with a tinge of lust in his eyes. I know he's offered to have fun with me and another girl with Victoria. I know he'd be open to fooling around at the club.

  I know all that - but I also know it aint what I want.

  I don't want to have sex with Saul any more than I want to have sex with Victoria. I want to make love to that man. Anything less would be hollow for me and something I'd regret. I'd rather love him from a distance and have him love me as his best friend than have us getting physical for the wrong reasons.

  If it's one thing I've learned working at Brandon's club, it's that sex is sex and love is love, and you can't mix-up the two without it being a problem. You can only have platonic sex with someone you're actually in love with for so long before it becomes toxic to both of you. You can't force someone to fall in love with you by having sex with them. In the heat of the moment, you also can't hide how you really feel.

  I'm so in love with that boy, I know the moment we'd fall into bed together, he'd see it. I'd feel the lie; the bitter ache from the understanding it could never be what I really want it to be. Even if Victoria was there to share our love for Saul. Even if I closed my eyes. Even if Saul said he loved me, too.

  He does love me, and I didn't argue Victoria about that. I think she's wrong about other things, though. I don't think Saul can love anyone but her in that way, and I don't think I could ever be more than a best friend to his heart.

  I've seen threesomes at the club, and I got no problem with them. When it works, it's beautiful - three people with love in their eyes.

  When it doesn't work, it's the most horrific falling out I've ever witnessed. Three lives torn apart in an instant - all three left changed, alone, uncertain and afraid.

  Usually, it's a jealousy issue where one feels less loved than the other two. Like a 'third wheel' syndrome or something. I don't want to be the third wheel to the relationship they've spent a whole life building. I don't want to be the wheel that topples the whole cart, sending it careening over the side of a cliff into a fiery crash with limbs and hearts blown apart everywhere.

  Alright, so maybe that's a bit much, but it's how I feel. It's what scares me to death when I look at them. It's what keeps me up at night. It's what has me running across the state to go hide in El Paso.

  I don't particularly like El Paso.

  Not exactly fond of that cousin who lives out there, either.

  Shit. I've done dug myself in deep again. You'd think after having manure piled high up to my throat so many times I'd learn to stay out of it.

  Maybe I could find a place around here, or move in with my sister for a bit and continue working with Brandon's horses. If I'm not around on Fridays, chances of me running into Saul are slim. Unless, of course, Sarah doesn't let him back in, then he might be staying with Brandon on a more permanent basis.

  It's kinda funny, and pretty damn sad, how alike Saul and I are. We're both dependent on others for a place to hang our hats. We're both failing miserably at the whole concept of growing up and becoming self-sufficient adults. We're both floundering.

  "There you are!" Saul bounces into the barn with a broad smile on his lips and his platinum blonde hair lit by the sun.

  Floundering doesn't even begin to describe what the sight of that boy does to my insides. I'm happy to see him smiling again, though it makes me a little nervous. His gorgeous green eyes have that mischievous spark in them that has my heart flipping while all my blood plummets southward.

  It leaves me light-headed and struggling for a steady response. "Hey, man, what's up?"

  "Was wonderin' if yer gonna be stickin' 'round for the party tonight, is all. Since Vickie aint here, I figure we could maybe hang out, or somethin'? I can't leave, 'case Brandon needs me, but..."

  He stops and I open my mouth, but he stops me with a raised hand. I don't think I've ever seen him looking so set on something before, so I let him finish.

  "I know yer leavin'. I think it's stupid, but yer my best friend, an' I just wanna spend some time with you, alright? I wont bring up none 'a what happened last week or you leavin', I swear."

  Hay-scented air floods my lungs as I take moment to consider. He appears hopeful but a touch worried I'll say no. More than anything, it seems like he misses me. How can I possibly say no to that look in his eyes?

  "A'ight. We can hang out tonight."

  His smile returns in a bright flash, and fuck me, I almost stumble over backwards into the damn water trough. "Great! I'll, uh, set up a game console in my room upstairs, then once the party gets going, we can hang out while everyone else makes out."

  I smirk at that and tip my hat then let out a slow whistle once he's gone. He took the little rays of sunshine with him, emphasizing how cold and lonely it is in the barn. I might have just made a big mistake by agreeing to spend time alone with him, but I figure I'll regret it if I don't at least try to be the friend he deserves before I abandon him, like the yellow-bellied mandria I am.

  I finish my work with the horses, settling them down for the night as darkness descends over the estate. The cars start showing up early. It won't be a huge crowd, since club members have real lives, families and businesses that'll be throwing their own New Year's Eve bashes, but for the past two years I've been here for the party, the same core members tended to show.

  Many, I've come to know and think of as friends, even though
I only know most of them by nickname. They're good people; good people who just happen to enjoy a bit, or a lot, of kink in the bedroom. Or outside the bedroom. With witnesses.

  I'm grinning like a fool at that thought as I head to my bedroom to wash up. My grin is met with smiles and 'happy New Year' from members as I pass. Looks like Rabbit showed up, which is good, because I spent the morning making four dozen deviled eggs. She says 'happy New Year' to me in Spanish with a peck on the cheek before darting towards the eggs with a glee-filled giggle.

  I catch Brandon talking to Bull at the bar with some other guy I've never seen before. It's not an actually bondage club night, so most are dressed up in fancy or fun costumes, but Bull's in his harness and leathers, with the other guy matching. The other guy is younger, with sharp features set against a handsome smile. The leashed collar around his neck and Bull's hand on his ass quickly has my eyes looking elsewhere.

  Damn, who am I tryin' to kid? How could I possibly leave? I love this place - this club Brandon's built and the people he's filled it with. The openness. The acceptance.

  I love the club, the estate and caring for the horses. I love Brandon and Emma. I love Victoria. I'm in love with Saul.

  That last thought and a quick shower sobers me back up. I'll never be able to live so close to him without touching, or without the temptation and unrequited feelings shredding my soul. Saul's embedded into every piece of this life. I can't have it without him. I can't have him with it.

  I can't keep doing this.

  I'll give him tonight. I'll play video games with him, bask in his smile and pretend it could work - that we could go back; that I could forget what I feel for him; that just his friendship will be enough.

  It won't be, but for tonight, I'll try.

  I'll try to not completely lose my shit at finding a half-naked woman hog-tied with a big, red satin bow, sittin' pretty in the middle of Saul's bed.

  What. The. Ungodly. Fuck.

  "Happy New Year!" Saul's exuberant announcement barely registers through the shock.

  I feel myself teetering slightly. Damn, I think I'm finally about to fall over that edge I've been walkin' along for so long. Saul's hand slaps my back, and I think it's the final push.

  "W-what the hell, man?"

  "This here's Cinnamon," he grins, motioning towards the beautiful brunette.

  "I know who she is," I ground out, trying not to glare at the poor girl who's been caught between my cowardice and Saul's irrational conclusions. "Hey, Cin."

  "Happy New Year, honey," she winks, but I can see her smile faltering a bit. I think she's picking up the vibes my whole body is quivering with - that this is wrong on so many levels.

  "She's agreed to help me give you a happy New Year," Saul continues, completely oblivious to the fact that I'm unraveling right in front of him. "I want you ta just trust me, buddy, and relax a bit. I'll Assist, an' you won't regret it, I promise."

  My mind splits in two - trying to find a reason to decline that won't give my secret away, and trying to talk myself into accepting the offer just so I can touch him. "What about Victoria? You never Assist without her."

  "She released me this afternoon," he points at his naked neck, where a leather collar usually marked him as taken.

  The rest of him is barely covered - dressed in his usual club bondage gear of a chest harness and these little leather boy-shorts that choke my tongue. Damn the Devil, I think the bastard is wearing a cock harness beneath those shorts. Next to my casual denim, his leather has me geared-up beyond reason.

  "It's just 'till she gets back in town," he explains while my eyes bug. "This whole thing was her idea! Said you just needed a good push, and that I can make amends for bein' so stupid."

  "She..." That crazy woman. I'm gonna... I... I can't keep doing this - and Victoria knew just what was needed to do me in.

  "Cin, I'm sorry," I whisper as I untie her. "It's nothing at all to do with you, but-"

  "It's okay, honey," she kisses my cheek then hugs me tight before whispering in my ear that she knows.

  As she leaves the room, my hands fist and I turn to Saul. The mix of anger and pain on his face grabs a tight hold on my heart and squeezes. "Saul..." I exhale, but after that, I got no clue what I'm gonna say.

  "Now what the fuck I do wrong?!" His hands drop to his sides in dismay. "I though you'd like 'er. I thought I could fix it. Why can't I fix what I broke?!"

  The tears in his eyes pull me over the edge quicker than anything Victoria's done or said. "You didn't break anything. None of this is your fault."

  "Yes it is! I know, Austin! I know," he sniffles hard before going quiet again with his gaze lowered to his shuffling feet. "I know I make you uncomfortable 'cause I like men same as I like women. I know you caught me lookin' at you. I-"

  "I'm gay, Saul."

  With those three words, all the air is sucked from the room at the same time a rush of relief washes over me. It's done. There's no taking it back now. I feel lighter than I've ever felt before.

  But now that it's said, I have no idea what comes next. Where do we go?

  No. We don't go anywhere. It changes nothing. He belongs to Victoria, with or without the collar.

  "You... Yer what?" Saul's head is tilted at a neck-wrenching angle, like he can't quite figure out what I said.

  Inhaling slowly, I let myself be me. "I'm gay."

  "Since when?"

  "Fourteen," I try to smile. It feels good being this open with him, but I'm still wired with nervous anxiety. "At least, that's the summer I first realized I preferred the boys in their swim trunks to the girls in their bikinis."

  "Fourteen. Fourteen? You mean, all this time, you... and you... I thought..."

  "Saul, I'm sorry, but I had my reasons for not sayin' so. I..."

  I thought I had good reasons, but standing there, looking at his face, they all seem like cowardly reasons instead. I'd had a few scenarios imagined for how Saul might react. It never crossed my mind that he would haul back and hit me.

  Saul

  Soon as my fist connects with Austin's jaw, I regret it, but I'm so fuckin' angry I could spit nails. Muttering under my breath, "God damn sumbitch", I leave him standin' in my room with a shocked look on his face. Guess he didn't think I'd hit him for bein' so dishonest with me all this time. Guess he thought I'd just grin and bear it like I always do.

  I'm Balder, after all. That's the club name Brandon gave me while we was planin' this whole BDSM thing in college. Balder - the Norse god 'a love, light an' reconciliation. Balder - the stupid, trusting dope who gets killed with a sprig 'a mistletoe.

  Looking up, I see a lock of mistletoe hanging in the hallway, left over from Emma's Christmas decorating. Funny shit. I'm all chuckles on the inside, really.

  Fuck, I need a damn drink.

  'Course the dang bar is surrounded by club members I don't rightly wanna deal with right now. Brandon's playing bartender, anyway, and he'd refuse to pour me anything but a Coke. Six years sober, an'... Shit. Six days sober... Fuck it.

  Dodging curious glances from members, I walk into the kitchen, completely ignoring Ian as I head for the fridge. I fist four bear bottles by the neck and turn to find him staring at me with arms crossed. "Not now, Ian."

  "Give me the beer," he holds out his leather-gloved hands to take them.

  "I aint no kid who needs you actin' like my damn keeper."

  "I know," he calms his voice, trying to make me see reason, but I just want a damn drink. "Please, Saul. You don't want to do this. Let me make you a root beer float instead."

  Bastard. He knows how much I love root beer floats.

  "C'mon," he pushes, that twitchy smile 'a his startin' ta win me over. "You can drown in ice cream and tell me what's bugging you."

  Ian's always been a good friend who listens. 'Course, he's also been a good friend who lies. "You knew 'bout Kyle and Sarah?"

  The smile drops and worry fills in hazel eyes. "I did."

  Well, least he aint bullsh
ittin' me about that. "How 'bout Austin? Did you know he's gay?"

  "Well, I..." His voice trails off as the door behind me opens. Ian's gaze flicks between me and who I assume is Austin standing behind me. Ian's shoulders sink as he nods. "Yeah, man. I figured as much."

  I spin around to glare at Austin. "Bet everyone but me done figured it out. Like usual, I'm too fuckin' stupid ta get in on the joke. Like usual, I am the damn joke! So, y'all can take yer lyin', A.A.-meetin' asses an' ride the first train ta' Hell!"

  Beers in hand, I shove past Ian to exit out the back door. It aint 'till my bare feet hit the cold gravel that I realize I'm still in my damn leathers. Right fuckin' peachy, that is.

  "Saul, hold up," Austin calls after me, but I ignore him and the frigid temp as I make a beeline for the barn. "Dammit, man! At least take your sweater."

  He's joggin' ta keep up with my long legs, but it's not 'till I reach the center post inside the barn that I stop. He's got my U of T hoodie and my Converse sneakers in his hands, like some lousy peace offerin'. I shiver an' figure I can be mad and warm at the same time.

  "Thanks," I mutter, setting the beer bottles down in the dirt before slipping on my shoes and hoodie.

  My legs are still cold, and the cock harness under my shorts has become a chaffing discomfort. Serves me right, I guess.

  Stuffing my hands into the hoodie's front pockets, I find my cellphone that I'd been lookin' all damn day for. Great. Now I can get drunk and make a fool outta myself messaging Vickie.

  "Why don't we go back inside and talk," he motions towards the door. "I don't want you getting sick out here."

  "Thanks, mom, but I'm fine. If'n you don't mind, I'd rather drink alone."

  "I do mind. I think we need to talk."

  "Whatever," I huff, my breath visible. Picking up a beer. I tap the head against a metal bracing around the pole to uncap it. I offer it to him without thinking. He takes it, so I uncap another. "What? Not gonna tell me I aint s'posed ta be drinkin'?"

  He stares at me long and hard with his gray eyes drillin' a hole through my chest, then he takes a sip with a shrug. "As your friend, I don't like it, but I aint your sponsor. It's your decision."